Holding Kryptonite

So I was talking with a good friend a while back when the subject of personal insecurities and weaknesses came up. I had never actually considered it much and thus didn't have much to confess to her. So this is my amend for that, seeing as I have placed a good amount of thought on the subject since then. 
~Thanks to that friend for gaining me this insight~

When I was growing up, my family thought of me as a "young Superman". I listened more than I spoke for the sake of understanding. I never condemned anyone for their faults, whether they were mistakes or not. I removed vain limitations and created new ones of much more importance. And I made self-control a law, a gavel which would shatter misdeeds such as becoming angry, doing wrong when the right was known, and breaking honest promises.

My family considered things such as these to be traits of strength. They began to believe that maybe their "little Michael" held something much larger in heart, something to be valued. They imagined I would grow into a person who could not be broken, a pillar, so to speak, which could not be shaken from its foundation. And, after a while, I began to believe it too. Once I tried to wear the label of "more", however, they began to depend on me to be just that. I was, at least for a time, their Superman.

But the more time passes, the more I realize how much kryptonite there is on earth, and the more I discover how badly it can really hurt. It's everywhere. It can be found abundantly in some places, scarce in others, and can even be found hidden in places you would never expect. And the funny thing about it, the horrible thing, is that you will never feel it until it starts to take effect, until it has already begun to break you apart.

I am no Superman. I sway, I bend, and I break. I will never be able to withstand the weight of the world on my own, and because of that I will never be able to stop it each time it falls upon someone I love. This is the kryptonite that kills me, something that has haunted my fears ever since I was young, something I doubt will ever leave. I fear that one day, when someone needs me the most, when their world really is crashing down, I won't even be able to break the fall for them. And even worse, I fear they will lie there after, crushed by despair, and question whether inability or decision was responsible for my inaction.

I don't know if what my family thought they saw in me was true or not. But, for right now, I don't think it was. I think what they saw was rather an awareness I had of my own weaknesses and the understanding I tried to achieve in order to diminish them. But every man has his faults, and, though many of those faults may be temporary, there will always be those which endure. Maybe that is my gift, knowing I cannot destroy kryptonite, but learning how to adapt to it instead, how to hold it in my grasp yet preserve the strength to stand.

No, I am not Superman, and I will never be invincible. But that will never stop me from trying for the ones who need me to be. And that, my desire, may forever be my weakness.

The Sound of Thunder

"Let my anthem be the sound of thunder, my opposer a blackened sky. 

Let my stronghold be the Creator of earth. We will see who rules the lighting tonight." -April 11th, 2012

I contemplated how I wanted to make this photo for a while before taking it, and in the process wrote the "poem" above. It may need a bit more tweaking, but, being the procrastinator that I am, I'm not sure how long it would be until I actually feel it's finished.

The story unfolds with a young man who holds all potential. But, as most forget, potential leans both ways, towards good and bad. Because of this, my potential is my anthem, the sound of thunder. For although my potential may be as powerful as thunder, there is still question as to whether that thunder should be seen as part of the storm, my opposer, or as equal strength given from a more righteous force. That force, of course, is my stronghold, the Creator. 

Now, this is where things get a little heavy. Yes, there is an approaching storm on the horizon (the challenges of sin). And yes, I will likely withstand it with the strength given from God (the golden earth that grounds me). But the key here is to notice the relationship between the aspects of the photo. No, the storm is not yet surrounding me, but neither is the golden grass. Yes, I have my faith as my weapon (my necklace), but that weapon will only allow me to prevail as long as I can hold onto it (a matter regarding my own strength as a person).

So, with this perspective, this photo can be a classic depiction of man: a soul caught in the war between Good and Evil, his own will power leading to either his salvation or destruction. But, there is still one more catch, which is nearly the main purpose of this photo (so apologies if this has become somewhat lengthy). 

What happens when you fall, when you become too weak to stand, or when a force hits you with all its might? In the real world, you end up on your back against the ground, sometimes with your face in its dust. But no matter where you are or how long you have been there, the earth will always be there to catch your fall. This is the same as God. Yes, we are in the midst of a war, and even after choosing a side we can still be wounded by the opposing party. But no matter how hard we are struck, He will always be there to save those who stand on His side of the line, and even those who fall across it. With that said, the point of this photo is to say, "don't be afraid to take the hits." Don't be frightened when challenges charge in your direction, and don't despair when they become too much. As long as you can see His side of the battlefield, you are never too far away for Him to save you.

God fights for those He loves, and His love is infinite.

An attempt at thinking

So I'm no poet, neither am I a skilled speaker, but every once in a while I like to take a shot at expressing thoughts or feeling through written word. There's all kind of things going on in the lines that follow, so I won't try to organize them. But I'd like to remember some of these thoughts in later years, so I figured I'd post them in this list whenever they arise. Hopefully most of them make sense, mainly the more serious ones, but if not then I guess I'll just keep practicing. Cheers.

"If I knew all the answers to life, I would have won by now."

"It's a tricky one, life is. But the best part of any puzzle is finding the pieces."

"Break me away, oh Lord, for I have not the strength to escape these chains."

"You will never be in complete control of your life, but you will always be in complete control of what you do with it."

"Don't worry, I have enough awesome for both of us."

"Let's play a little game: I'm going to pretend you're right, and you're going to believe it."

"I kind of like being late, it gives me an excuse to drive even faster."

"If man wasn't meant to fly, then God wouldn't have given us rocketfuel." -Nov. 14th, 2011

"I once heard a man say he had women all figured out... I laughed."

"Conundrum: The moment at which she has confused you beyond your own comprehension."

"Love can be like a cruel woman. Meddling with the mind, playing with the heart, she can drive a man insane."

"Recognize your faults and disregard those of others, but never the other way around."

"To become completely callous and be unaware of it, to become a bastard of the heart, that is my worst fear."

"When I stood lost and blind in the night, You reached through darkness and brought me to light."

"High in the air I hold my fists, no longer are there chains upon my wrists. Because of His love, He gave everything for me. Because of His love, I am set free."

"I may not understand, but I will not doubt, for He is beside me. With His hand on my shoulder directing my path, I shall never fear where I am led."

"Whenever I say something that doesn't even make sense to me, I like to imagine a little man sitting at the command center of my mind saying 'Oops! Sorry, hit the wrong button... my bad.'"

"I wonder, but never conclude. That, my friend, would be what I call assumicide."

"Nothing is real until you realize it."

"A hit isn't a hit unless you let it knock you down."

"We are the students of the past, the teachers of the future. We are the generation of today."

"Words are physical thought."

"Intelligence is not knowledge, it is the ability to understand."

"It is the compassionate who understand what it is to be heartbroken. It is the passionate who value the hearts they hold."

"The game of hearts can be both beautiful and despairing, but for a heart not to play is to forfeit all love."

"'Live in the moment,' they say. But what is the moment other than life itself? With that said, all I ask is that you simply live, my friend, truly live." -Dec 4th, 2011

"I wish joy and appreciation to the man who steals your heart, for a beautiful, extraordinary woman you truly are."

"At only one point in time has a man held the weight of our world and prevailed. At only one point in time has a man overcome death to save us all." -Dec 7th, 2011

"To both be everything and give everything for those you care for, that is love at its greatest." -Dec 10th, 2011

"What am I but pieces of a soul? Alone, I have no structure, no truth. But with these pieces, small and shattered, you give me foundation and build me into the man I never could have been." -Dec 15th, 2011

"A path only ends where it was ceased to be built." -Dec 28th, 2011

"How will I ever be as much to You as You are to me?

How will I ever be able to give You what You have given to me?

Will I ever be able to love as much as You do?

Could I ever be enough, even though You are everything to me?

In honesty, I can not. I am simply not, nor could I ever be enough. But what I can do, though it is no equal to what You have done, is give everything, all I am and all I have, to You. And from there, I will continue living my life surrounded in the awe of Your endless love." -Dec 30th, 2011

"Break me apart, oh world of mine. Batter and strike me until I can stand no more. Break me apart, world of mine, and remind me again how much I need my Lord." -Jan 7th, 2012

"Knowing how many would not acknowledge His sacrifice, and even how many would refuse it, He still gave everything to know your heart would be saved." -Jan 16th, 2012

"I look greatly upon those who walk as the least,

those who be small yet able in a world of large.

I admire they who be minute in size,

but of whom great magnitude is held in heart.

I look greatly upon them whom greatness has yet come,

for from them greatness shall proceed.

I stand waiting in promise, ye little giants,

for the day when what thou are is what thou shall be." -Jan 22nd, 2012

"I know everything except what I haven't learned yet." -Feb 1st, 2012

"Hardly anyone can do the right thing the first time. But who says we only get one try?" -Feb 7th, 2012

"You don't need to test the waters if you know you're going swimming." -Feb 10th, 2012

"If I knew what I was doing, I'm pretty certain I would be a lot better at it." -Feb 18th, 2012

"For many years I feared I might lose my grasp on the One who loves me the most,

never realizing that He has been the one holding onto me all along." -Feb 20th, 2012

"To forgive is not to forget but to deem a mistake as what it was: a mistake." -Feb 22nd, 2012

"The rational will say, 'you can only do so much'. The passionate will say, 'I will never give up.'" -Feb 25th, 2012

"To reach across the edge of impossible, to step past the end of forever.

To seek that which will never be seen, to long for what cannot be held.

To dream of what lies beyond bounds, to wonder of the unimaginable always to be.

To search for more than the all that is, to wish for the surpass of what is beauty.

To pursue that which can never be yours, to stand still in ever want of the unreachable.

Tell me now, young dreamer of old, where shall you begin? And how, how will you ever end?" -March 4th, 2012 (thought this up while listening to "Time" by Hans Zimmer, but I doubt it makes any sense, lol)

"And so whatever you will do, do it with truth, with sincerity. For there is near no greater mistake than for a man to live this life and not mean it." -March 10th, 2012

"Because He loves us enough to wear our scars, let us strive to give Him as few as we can." -March 12th, 2012

"True beauty is not something seen, it is something appreciated." -March 14th, 2012

"There's a long list of things I wish I hadn't done. But at the top of that list will always lie the people I could have kept but lost nonetheless through my own mistakes. I know acceptance holds new beginnings for those who find it, and hope that one day I will. But until that day, I can't imagine any worse feeling than that of an honest regret." -March 15th, 2012

"Cursed is the restless mind who finds no resolution, for understanding hath never been so needed." -March 26th, 2012

"It is not the accomplishment which makes a man great but the strength he found in order to achieve it." -March 29th, 2012

"Chances are given to those who dare take them." -April 2nd, 2012

"And I shall leave with a solemn bow, away from what was and towards the better to be, lest I be captive in stonewritten past." -April 5th, 2012

"Let my anthem be the sound of thunder, my opposer a blackened sky.

Let my stronghold be the Creator of earth. We will see who rules the lightning tonight." -April 11th, 2012

"There is neither superiority nor criticism in friendship, for reverence and understanding are the traits of a true companion." -April 17th, 2012

"When it comes to those we truly care for, all we can do is hold tight while we can, keep open arms when we can't, and pray the next arms they find are the ones they need." -April 19th, 2012

"You are worth only as much as you treat others." -April 20th, 2012

"I kow I can't catch your falling skies, but I know I can keep you from standing beneath them alone." -April 19th, 2012

"If you can't say the words which need to be said the most, then don't say them, live them." -April 29th, 2012

"Sometimes the things we want the most are the things we can never have, but dreaming will always be part of the human condition." -May 2nd, 2012

"Save me Lord from the worst parts of myself, from the enemy I will never escape on my own." -May 3rd, 2012

"My joy takes my sanity but offers all I could want. Thus let me pursue insanity, lest I become a madman without her." -May 5th, 2012

"When I'm out and down for the count, I know who will be standing at the edge of my corner. Toe to toe and gloves on, let the bell ring, the sound of my last hurrah." -May 9th, 2012

"I would bend until I break for you, but please don't forget the pieces of what's left." -May 12th, 2012

"Sorry is a word you only say once. After that, you live what you meant by it." -May 15th, 2012

"No man is confined by time, for though the amount had may be limited there is no bound as to how it can be spent." -May 18th, 2012

"Sometimes I turn to the best part of me and ask, "where were you, you bastard? Where were you when I needed you the most, when all I needed was a small part of you?" This is when I realize that person is not real, that the man I've tried to build myself into will never exist outside of my own mind. But this moment of despair is also the moment I realize what I really need, who I have really needed all along. Needless to say, it will never be me." -May 20th, 2012

"We will always change, of that there is no doubt. But when done in pursuit of goals, then we do not change, we become." -May 31st, 2012

"Let the earth fall from beneath my feet, thus the only thing I hold onto be the One who has held me up since the beginning." -June 4th, 2012