I Talk Too Much

In the past few years or so, I've realized things about myself I hadn't noticed before. These aren't just a couple of things; I've actually learned a lot. But there is one specific thing which, I don't know, I kind of feel I should write about... maybe it will help me stop doing it.

I'm pretty good at self-control, whether it be with one emotion or another, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel those emotions. For the most part, I usually look pretty together on the outside. But, as anyone who knows me well can probably tell you, my mind is a completely different beast. It stretches thoughts from every angle, creating new ones and tearing them apart at the same time until there's nothing but mental confetti left over. Now, that may sound a little extreme, but that's the only time my mind runs off like that, when something very important and/or confusing is on my mind.

So what are the side affects? Well for starters (and this is very odd), I tend to get cold. I don't mean "cold" as in "unfriendly", I mean as in "literally cold." I've found myself shaking in chills before while upset, as if I'm out in near-zero degree weather or something. I usually end up sitting down with my legs tight together and my arms crossed in an embrace-yourself-to-stay-warm kind of fashion. It's weird.

The second thing is that my chest hurts. It feels like I'm going to cave in upon myself, as if I were to breathe out too much my entire upper body would collapse like a paper bag being air vacuumed. In fact, if you try breathing out as much air as possible and then hold it for a moment, that's really similar to the feeling I get. This usually gives me short breaths, which in turn makes me very tired. I'm not sure if this is something many other people experience... it would explain where those "heartache" phrases have come from, although mine feels just as achey as the rest of that area, so it's not just in one spot.

The third thing, and this is actually the reason I'm writing this, is that I start to talk too much. Now, depending on what I'm feeling, I either won't want to talk to anybody or I'm going to want to talk to somebody very badly. When I don't want to talk, it'll be pretty obvious; I'm quiet, short answering, and usually have a thinker's gaze. In the case of wanting to talk, however, I'll only do so with someone who I know genuinely cares about what I might say. I'll hint a little at what's going on, but I'll be discreet. Normally it's hard enough to find the right words to say, then add the pressure of wondering what someone will think of you for saying them and you end up with a bit of a turtle shell effect. It's a bit scary.

So what happens when I need that output but can't seem to conjure up the bravery to find one? The answer: metaphorical and/or obscure Facebook posts and/or tweets. This is where I talk too much. Like I said, I'm not the best when it comes to transforming emotions into words. But give me five minutes to play with the wording of a disguised message to post on a social networking site and I'll usually be near spot on. This is where the paradox sets in though... I write a post disguising what I really want to say, I post it, but then I end up feeling like it's insignificant because of its disguisement. So what do I do? I post another one, normally, hoping the next one will be a bit clearer and that someone will notice and offer help of some sort. And I usually write four or five before deciding which one to actually post... it's kind of a "pick the best" process, but it's still kinda dumb.

I'm writing about this as a negative because it is. If someone understood every one of my posts, one after another, they probably wouldn't be the most enjoyable thing to see. Nobody likes to hear someone else complain all the time, and I don't like being a complainer in the first place. But when I have something on my mind, something boiling in the core of my chest, it hurts too much not to attempt extinguishing it. Worse off, what if someone who I'm actually referring to in the message understands what I'm saying and end up getting hurt for whatever reason? I've probably already done it, and I hate myself for that. Ever since I was little, the worst thing I could ever imagine was hurting another human being, especially someone you love. So knowing that I might do so simply because I couldn't keep my mouth shut makes me feel terrible.

So, as of now, I'm going to try to refrain from posting anything of that nature. Yes, I'll still post disguised thoughts and feelings, but they will never, ever include specific people in my life whom might be hurt if they understood or misunderstood them. And if you've actually read all the way to this part of the post, I would appreciate you calling me out if you ever think I've posted something inappropriately. Gimme that swift, back-of-the-head swat and tell me to do better (and this goes for anything I do wrong; never pacify me).

So there's my big shpeal, my blog post of bleh. Hopefully thinking and writing this out will help me at least a little bit, but I guess we'll see in the future.
I hope everything is well with you! Odds are I haven't kept in touch much this semester. College break is coming though, so hopefully I'll talk to you soon. Thanks, and take care.

Meeting Michael

I don't know Michael. He is someone far away, living his life in far different ways than I. I believe I've seen him before though, I've caught short glimpses as the world spins between us. He is difficult to see, but I would like to meet him. He is the kind of person I only know in thought, a ghost that I can feel better than I can find. Sometimes I hear the echos of what he says. Sometimes they are too quiet to notice and I wonder if they are even there. Sometimes I find traces of him in places I've been. I wonder if we were both there for the same reason. Maybe. Maybe not.

He's taller than I am, not by much, but enough. He's older than me, though I couldn't tell you his age. His voice is quieter than mine. I don't think I've ever hear it loud. He isn't quick, but neither is he slow. I'd like to say he's steady, but it's just a bit different than that. He keeps hold of your eyes, like particular people do. He only looks away when to show you something. He is smarter than I am. Not necessarily book smart, rather he is wise, understanding, and enough so that I can't understand it. He makes better choices than I do. He doesn't batter questions in his head like I do; I don't even think he listens to his head, just his heart, perhaps. He is stronger than I am, I can sense it in him. I think he hurts the same though, and sometimes I think even more so. There are lines on his face I don't have; I don't know where lines like that come from. But he is almost always smiling. Not the kind of smile near to laughter, nor as to speak words of equal humor. He smiles slightly, the smile a fond memory brings as it fades through your thoughts. He does laugh though. His eyes squint a bit and his cheeks pull back. He lets out even, soft-pitched breaths and you know he is happy. He does think a lot like I do, though not in the same way. He doesn't think to discover or to inquire, he simply thinks because it's in his nature, sorting through his thoughts as though a man admiring his collection. The look on his face is as if he's remembering all of his life all at once, recognizing and appreciating every bit of it yet not missing a current moment while doing so.

I don't know much about Michael. Most of what I imagine is simply who I think he is, but it is not who I know he is. I don't know what he does or what his life is like. I don't know how he lives or what he lives for. I don't what what he thinks or how he loves. I don't know who he loves. I don't know where he wants to go or where he has been. I don't know what he wants to do or what he wishes he had done. I just don't know him.

Maybe I'll meet him someday, when I finally reach that other side of life he's been living on. Perhaps I won't. But whether I do, or whether I don't, I think I'll always have a small image of him. I think I'll always know him at least a little.

Desperate Heart

Don't want a girl made within my dreams.

And I don't want a girl who can give me everything. 

Don't want a girl who'll hold me close every time this crazy world

Tries its best to make me bleed.

I don't want a girl who can turn the grey skies blue. 

And I don't want a girl whose heart I know is true. 

Don't want a girl who'll give me strength, 'cause I would trade all these things

If I could only have you.

And I'm feeling like a desperate heart, 

Like you're the only girl in this whole world that I could ever want. 

Now I don't know if this is love, if what I feel can be enough.

Maybe I've just fallen a bit too hard.

Cause I don't know if I can give you all your dreams,

And I don't know if I can hold you like you need. 

And I can only hope on stars above that I could give you all my love,

But, darling, only if you let me.

I don't want a girl who acts just like you. 

And I don't want a girl who can make these feelings new. 

'Cause she be the same every way and say the words I love to hear you say, 

But she'll never steal my mind the way you do.

Now I don't want to give you too much for your heart.

And I don't want to say the words if they're too strong.

Don't want to live without you, girl, but if you don't need me in your world 

I'll try my best to pull mine apart. 

And I can feel it in my desperate heart,

This hope that I could be the one to give you all you want.

But if I'm not the man you need, tell me please how I can be.

I'd give anything to hold your heart.

Cause I don't know if I can give all your dreams,

And I don't know if I can hold you like you need, 

But I swear on the stars above I would give you all my love 

If, darling, you would only let me.

Now I didn't know how much a heart could ache,

'Cause I can feel the gears in mine starting to break.

So please, girl, don't believe my lies,

'Cause it's killing to want a girl who is not mine.

The girl I want doesn't need to be fixed. 

She is perfect just the way she is. 

And I want her to know that I would never want her to change who she's become,

'Cause she's the girl who taught me how to fall in love.

So close my eyes so I can't see,

And let darkness fall and drown me in sleep. 

'Cause, though she may not share my dreams, that's the place where I am free

To believe that one day she'll be there with me, in a world...

Where I can give her all of her dreams,

Where I can love her more than she will ever need. 

And I can take the stars above and pull them down to prove my love,

And she will always love me.

This is the music behind these lyrics, although no voice included (my voice ain't so great right now). The lyrics would start around 28 seconds into the music.

This Thing Of Mine

This thing of mine,

It isn't the greatest, but maybe it could be more.

It isn't the strongest. I know, I've broken it.

It's not the kind of thing everyone wants, but it's the only thing I could ever give.

It isn't big. In fact, sometimes it seems the smallest I know of.

It isn't the brightest. Most wouldn't consider it dark, but it has its shadows.

It isn't colorful. Its tones are faded, not robust and exciting like others.

It isn't the most musical. Its song is nice and common, but it's just a song.

It isn't the warmest. It can give comfort, but not enough to be sought after.

It isn't the most beautiful. It's appealing at times, but it always gets covered.

It isn't special. I wish it were, but it isn't.

It isn't the most interesting. Maybe for a moment, but it won't last.

It isn't the most enjoyable. It may give you a laugh or two, but you'll forget why.

It isn't the most dependable. That's how I learned it breaks.

It isn't the softest. I thought it could be, but I've seen it scratch. I hate it for that.

It isn't the thing I wanted, but it's the only thing I have,

This thing of mine.

EXTRA: Addition to "Whale" and other stuff

So hopefully you guys know me enough to know I listen to many different types of music and that I like techno stuff...
Well, I was exploring music this morning (which was a SUPER COLD morning, btw), and I found this song, Deadmau5 - Strobe (Mr FijiWiji Remix).

It has a good sound and all, but what I hope you'll listen to is the bit from the 2 minute mark till the end. It has an excerpt from the movie The Great Dictator, which relates in a few ways to what I talked about in my last post about the blue whale (it also incorporates bunches of stuff I hope for as well). Just thought it may give you a bit more insight.



Besides that, the only other thing I can think about is that I should probably start posting more about what actually happens in my life, rather than that "welcome to the mind of mikey" thing I often do.

So, to do that, I'll simply fill you in on what's up lately.

• I'm taking 3 classes this semester for a total of 14 credits (which feels kinda lame, to be honest). Those classes are Calculus 1 (meh), Genetics (interesting), and Organic Chemistry 1 (double meh). 
• I recently joined the Ambassadors Program at my college, which I think will be pretty fun actually, lots of neet things to participate in (although I don't know if I'm the best person to represent the school). 
• I launched a Guide To Manliness page on both Twitter and Facebook last month (which will be very developmental for both me and my participating buddies).
• I'm actually writing songs this year and am even learning how to use my voice (HUGE thing for me since I've always wanted to make my own musc).
• I've joined a Bible Study Fellowship, BSF, group here and I think I will continue to for a while. I've also been reading Cloud Atlas, which isn't a big deal, but it's still interesting.
• Things have changed a lot lately and, even though they're still not sorted out and offering certainty/stability, I'm very happy with them. I feel good, like I'm actually where I want to be.
• And one last thing has happened lately that I like very much, but unless you're one of my good friends I'm not going to tell you much about it. Let's just say I'm very happy about it, so much so that there is a smiley at the end of this sentence. :)

Besides THAT, I don't think there's much else I want to blog about. 

Hope all is well, ttyl.

Whale

"Mwoooaaaaa..." - Blue Whale

On average, an adult blue whale is 90ft long, weighs more than 180 tons, and lives over 80 years. It is about 12ft tall from belly to back, and its front flippers are about the length and width of a small town car. Its heart has the similar size of a Volkswagen Bug, weighing 1,600lbs, and its deep blue eyes have a diameter of about an inch wider than a CD. They are considered by many to be the loudest animals on earth, with their calls reaching over 200 miles, and they are known by all to be the largest living creature within the history of the animal kingdom.

I'm telling you this because the blue whale is one of, if not my most favorite animal. Furry animals, such as otters, lions, and dogs are all well and good, but the blue whale is by far the most wondrous amongst thema all. A living, breathing giant. 

I like the blue whale not only for its size and greatness, but also for its serenity. Yes, it is the biggest animal to have ever roamed the earth. And yes, it does make everything else around it seem minuscule when compared. But, regardless of where it sits in the hierarchy of the animal kingdom, the blue whale is no more a living thing than any other.It was not created to rule the seas nor treat the ocean as its domain for living and expanding. It was not made to be seen as "the giant of all" nor be set any higher than the rest of the ocean's dwellers. It simply lives, coexisting with all life, conscious of its size no more than the sea to the sky.

Now, you may be thinking, "okay? What's your point, Mike? We all know the whale is pretty big."

Think of it this way... what happens when you give a man power? He wants more. What happens when you give a man authority? He uses it. And what happens when you give a man greatness? He sees himself as great. Follow?

The reason I like the blue whale is not because of how great, majestic, or powerful it is. I like it because it is all these things yet behaves as if it is none of them. They are not aggressive, invasive, nor are they territorial. They simply live their lives beneath the surface, abiding by every rule that applies to every other animal in its world.

This is an example of what I consider to be real power or greatness, the ability to be set higher than everyone else, to be considered great amongst all others, yet intentionally ground yourself to even a low level. There are so many stories of men who want to rule and be great, and even men who are capable yet use that ability in fault. I don't think it should be like that. I think real greatness comes to those who have so much respect for it that they don't feel worthy, who would even give it up for the better.

I think this is something God believes in too. Throughout the Bible, we continuously see Him leaving man the right to make his own choices, refraining to intervene or dictate. He gives us free will, even though He doesn't want to see us to use it wrongly. He leaves it up to us, knowing how much disaster we may cause. After all, we are "fearfully made."

But that is where He uses His power justly, He gives us the option to intervene, to trust Him with our lives in hope that He will save them from being shattered by ourselves. He takes that step back, but He holds His hand open to use invitingly. It's kind of like that moment of, "I love you, so I'll let you go. But I will always be right here." Some may say, "maybe He just doesn't care enough to automatically save us," but it's quite the opposite when you think about it. God is all powerful, but He is also all loving. 

If you truly love someone, you will let them live the way which makes them happy. You may warn them again and again, never stopping regardless if they're still listening or not. You may offer your help time after time, even when they admit they don't want it. But if you love them, you will never give up.

That is why I like the blue whale. It reminds me that, even though we may hold all potential, we will only be great after we have set ourselves as little, sacrificing any greatness for what is better than us, for Him. After all, isn't that the point He made? That if you truly love someone you will give up everything for them, all of yourself for their sake? True love isn't loving someone so much it fills your heart, it's loving someone so much you'd give it away for them.



Maybe I'm just over thinking my favorite animal, but this is still what I think of when I see pictures of it sailing through the ocean blue. Either way, I have great respect for the blue whale. Not because it's a mammouth wondering the seas, but because it is a titan who has the gentleness of the small. It is a giant who sees himself little in a world of large.

Shadowcast - a short story

This is a 28-page, double-spaced short story I wrote for a class not too long ago... It's about a young man named Daniel Moore who becomes "trapped in his own subconscious", if you will. He's the son of the late George Moore, the cofounder of a multi-million dollar corporation, and brother to his twin sister, Sarah Moore.

While Daniel is in the process on inheriting his father's share of the company, which is practically all of it, he soon finds the world around him become strange and not what he believed it to be. And since I'm no good at writing a synapsis, I'm going to leave it at that.

If you'd like to read it, you can do so at Issuu.com by clicking the link. If you actually do read it, I'd love to know what you think. Yes, it has some rough edges that I never had the time to smooth out, but I would really like to develop the story more and would love advice on how to do it. Thanks a ton and hopefully I'll see you soon!

Link: http://issuu.com/mikeanthonyselhost/docs/shadowcast

I Don't Know

I'm having the strangest feeling today, and I can hardly even explain it. The best way I can put it is... you know the feeling when you're sincerely sorry? And do you know that feeling when you've finally accepted what you cannot change, even if you don't like it? Well, take those two emotions and mix them together, perhaps that gives you an idea? It's like doing the deed you're sorry for, saying you're sorry, and then accepting you're misdeed later in life, but all in one single moment. You're living, regretting, and remembering it all at once.

The mood of an Explosion In The Sky song came into my mind after pondering why I feel like this, and with it came the only thing that felt right to say; "all of a sudden, I miss everyone." It's the title of one of their albums, though I don't believe the song I was relating to is on that album. It's odd because I haven't listened to hardly any of their music since I was at least under the age of 13. But I remember the feeling in that song. It was like you're frozen. Not cold, nor uncomfortable, just frozen. You watch the world pass by, but you don't attempt to gain its attention as to help you. It's as if you've been that way for so long that both you and the world accept that you're gone, even though you catch each other's eyes every now and again. Numb-feeling, I suppose you could call it.

I tweeted and posted the album title as a status, maybe hoping someone would see it and say something surprisingly helpful? Or maybe so someone would simply like it and the memory of them would help me feel differently? I don't know. It took both posts down after about two minutes though, I didn't want anyone to think I was sad. After all, I had a great time yesterday, so I have no idea what's wrong, if anything is wrong that is. The only thing I know is that I felt an ache to tell someone something, but I didn't know who or what to tell. I'm typing it through this keyboard now, but it still doesn't feel right. I'd almost rather speak it to the sky, but this city is too loud today, I don't think I'd feel like it was listening.

I do miss everyone though. I miss my family. I miss my friends in Florida that I haven't spoken to in forever. I miss my friends here, feeling as if I haven't been the friend I want to be for them. And I miss the girl I'm fond of, feeling as though I haven't, I don't know, been sincere enough with her? I feel like I've stepped over the boundary line of where I would call my home, full of the people I love and want to be with, and I've just turned around to realize that I'm too far away to see their faces. And I feel the impact of it all when I realize I have no idea how long I've been away. Perhaps this my internal alarm clock sounding? "Michael, you need to get back home now," it tells me?


I found that song. It's entitled "Six Days At The Bottom Of The Ocean", and the first 2.5 minutes or so holds that sound I was talking about.


I don't know what's up today, but I hope tomorrow feels different. Or I at least hope I'll realize tomorrow why I felt like this today.

Goodnight everyone,
-mikey

*EDIT: It's currently the day after I posted this and I feel WAYYY better... actually, I think I feel awesome?
mikey out. :]

I wanna write more..

So here's what happened...

I left  last Friday night to go home (at 12:37am I might add, t'was a "guy's night") and decided to take my desktop from the apartment (I had a butt-load of homework to do over the weekend).

I woke up WAY too late since my iPod/alarm clock decided it'd be better for its battery to die (it was half full when I went to bed?). I cleaned of the super messy desk in my room, set up my desktop, stole an old leather desk chair (w/ wheels!) from the outside shed, and got to work on my homework.

About 2 hours into my studying, I realized that my feet were frickin' freezing and that it probably had something to do with the fact that the rest of my body was cold as well (who'da thunk it?).

SO, to counter my ice-cube-ish state of being, I dugg through my closet looking for anything that would keep me warm but still allow me the ability to move my ligaments (snowmobile suits wouldn't work). But, as I should've expected, nearly everything I like to wear was back at my apartment... crap.

BUT (I love all caps), I did manage to find one of my favorite cozy shirts that had previously been missing for about a year or so (that kinda thing happens in a house like my family's). It's one of my favorites because it's heavy, soft, plaid, collared (I like collars?), and the sleeves are actually long enough to pass the first knuckle of my thumbs (FREAKIN' AWESOMENESS).


Sooo, with a blanket on my feet, my favorite shirt on my back, and a nice comfy chair under my butt, I got back to studying. As I sat there under a somewhat dim desk lamp, I thought, "dang, I'm feeling like a writer, all cozy and snuff." I went back to that thought after finishing my homework (around 6pm or so), and looked back on the few stories I'd wanted to write in the past. "I should write more. I at least have time to jot down ideas, and I can prolly paste them together later on durring breaks and whatnot. I should totally just DO IT!"

Writing, or at least the ability to write, is something I envy very much. To take ideas, dreams, or even feelings and place them in a medium where anyone (most anyone) can realize them, just as much as you do, is nearly the coolest thing ever to me. It's off the heezy. If I could learn that ability, to take the thoughts trailing through my world and make them tangible to any who wonder, that would be perhaps the most fulfilling hobby I could ever acquire.
(This is where the nerdy part of mikey comes in and says, "Hey, hey you, I've got it! All you need to do is figure out how to use telepathy. ^.^"... I think I'll keep that side of me hidden for a lil longer though.)

So yeah, bottom line: I love to dream, it's one creative ability I have that I cherish more than any other. So if I could could figure out how to share those dreams, mikey would be pretty much ecstatic (this was the first time I've ever spelt "esctatic"... I had no idea there was a "c" in it. derp).

- mikey out.

Random Q&A

So I found this Q&A interview, and it was actually pretty fun... so, yeah.

Q-You find out that you have absolutely nothing to do for the rest of the week… what do you do?

A-Probably call up every friend I've been wanting to hang out with lately and make some plans... either that or do something dumb which takes that much time.

Q-What is your best quality?

A-Oye... hmm... I'm pretty chill, which is often something the rest of the world needs. So, ya, I'll pick that.

Q-What is your worst quality?

A-Oh, I see... well, out of the list, I'll choose how sometimes I don't care enough. It's kind of a fault of the "being chill" thing.

Q-If I came to your home and looked in your refrigerator, what would I find?

A-Chocolate milk, a few lonely apples, and some random/unhealthy frozen foods in the freezer... OH, and delicious "just add water" pastas!

Q-What was the last book you read?

A-It was titled Velocity... t'was supposed to be suspenseful and thrilling, but the fact that I never finished it says otherwise.

Perspectives

So I'm practically schizophrenic. So many different points of view to watch the world from, so many different ways to judge things based on the angle of where you stand. You take Opinion by its corners, stretch it out in every direction, and cast it into the air. Up. Down. Left. Right. In. Out. All in-betweens. It's like the reflections of a rippled body of water... too many colors to consider, too many positions to imagine, you try to keep track of it all and you will only get lost.

This is what drives me nuts when life gives me a puzzle to play with... I know I can't see every viewpoint and that attempting to would only be madness, but my mind loves the challenge. If there is one phrase I've come up with that will catch on in society, it will likely be "my freakin' mind." Yes, my mind is a big part of me, but it also gets in the way time and time again. In fact, I'd say it's just about the most annoying thing in my life. Figures, huh?

All in all, however, it's not so bad. At least I'm learning something new most of the time, regardless how many loops of thought it takes to get there. The real problem is not my mind, but rather my heart. It seems as though the two are related, brothers even, since they share the same issue of confusion.

When it's in my mind, no big deal, all I need to do is find something else to occupy my thoughts and I'm good for the moment. When it's in my heart though, it's much more difficult to simply change what I'm feeling. And more often than not, the mixture of emotions becomes slightly toxic. They stir within the center of my chest, burning away at the layers I try to contain them with, and it seems like anything I throw at it only makes it worse.

For something that hurts so bad, you would think I would've found a solution by now... but I haven't. From what I've figured so far, you can either wait for the boiling pot to cool or simply dive in and get it over with. Maybe that's what this rant is, me putting a hand or two in the pot and seeing how long I can last. Unfortunately though, the pot I have now is hotter than ones of the past, and even the steam intimidates me.

Some of you may know what's in that pot, but it's fine if you don't. Overall, it's just me and my freakin' mind, trying to get ahold of my damn heart. Cheers, and good luck if you can relate.

Promises

I swear... Trust me... I give you my word... Honest... 

I will always... I will never...

Simple words to say, but it's the words that follow which are usually not as simple to live up to. Sure, most of the things I've promised in my life have been lighthearted. Most of them have been made with the same breath as a laugh, the kind you would like to keep but neither you nor the person being promised to believes you will because of how subtle it is. 


The older I get though, the more sincere my promises have become. "I promise I'll be there." "If you ever need my help..." "I won't let that happen." I've begun to promise things which require real dedication, real commitment, and sometimes even real sacrifice. The kind of promises that require more than the hope to one day be fulfilled, more than the option of trying my best. Sometimes I make them without thinking them through as I did when young, without realizing how the words I've spoken will, or at least should affect my actions from that point on. I've made them while thinking of how the accomplishment would feel rather than the process of getting there in the first place.


I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I guess I just wanted to share one of the most important lessons I've learned these past few years. Yes, I should've learn and/or realized this a long time ago, like I'm sure others have, but I figure it's better to have learned it now than later, or even never.


What is that lesson, exactly? Always keep your promises. Maybe you can negate a promise if the person you've promised to doesn't want you to keep it anymore, but for the most part I'd say always do your best to be true to your word. Not only does it teach you commitment and sincerity, but it will also show others the respect, devotion, and even love you have for them by living up to the expectations you've given them to place on yourself.


Some promises are more difficult to keep than others, and sometimes the difficulty of any promise simply depends on the moment. But if you can pull through and do your best for the people you care about, even when it may seem too much to ask of anyone, then I think you are the best kind of person out there.

Holding Kryptonite

So I was talking with a good friend a while back when the subject of personal insecurities and weaknesses came up. I had never actually considered it much and thus didn't have much to confess to her. So this is my amend for that, seeing as I have placed a good amount of thought on the subject since then. 
~Thanks to that friend for gaining me this insight~

When I was growing up, my family thought of me as a "young Superman". I listened more than I spoke for the sake of understanding. I never condemned anyone for their faults, whether they were mistakes or not. I removed vain limitations and created new ones of much more importance. And I made self-control a law, a gavel which would shatter misdeeds such as becoming angry, doing wrong when the right was known, and breaking honest promises.

My family considered things such as these to be traits of strength. They began to believe that maybe their "little Michael" held something much larger in heart, something to be valued. They imagined I would grow into a person who could not be broken, a pillar, so to speak, which could not be shaken from its foundation. And, after a while, I began to believe it too. Once I tried to wear the label of "more", however, they began to depend on me to be just that. I was, at least for a time, their Superman.

But the more time passes, the more I realize how much kryptonite there is on earth, and the more I discover how badly it can really hurt. It's everywhere. It can be found abundantly in some places, scarce in others, and can even be found hidden in places you would never expect. And the funny thing about it, the horrible thing, is that you will never feel it until it starts to take effect, until it has already begun to break you apart.

I am no Superman. I sway, I bend, and I break. I will never be able to withstand the weight of the world on my own, and because of that I will never be able to stop it each time it falls upon someone I love. This is the kryptonite that kills me, something that has haunted my fears ever since I was young, something I doubt will ever leave. I fear that one day, when someone needs me the most, when their world really is crashing down, I won't even be able to break the fall for them. And even worse, I fear they will lie there after, crushed by despair, and question whether inability or decision was responsible for my inaction.

I don't know if what my family thought they saw in me was true or not. But, for right now, I don't think it was. I think what they saw was rather an awareness I had of my own weaknesses and the understanding I tried to achieve in order to diminish them. But every man has his faults, and, though many of those faults may be temporary, there will always be those which endure. Maybe that is my gift, knowing I cannot destroy kryptonite, but learning how to adapt to it instead, how to hold it in my grasp yet preserve the strength to stand.

No, I am not Superman, and I will never be invincible. But that will never stop me from trying for the ones who need me to be. And that, my desire, may forever be my weakness.

The Sound of Thunder

"Let my anthem be the sound of thunder, my opposer a blackened sky. 

Let my stronghold be the Creator of earth. We will see who rules the lighting tonight." -April 11th, 2012

I contemplated how I wanted to make this photo for a while before taking it, and in the process wrote the "poem" above. It may need a bit more tweaking, but, being the procrastinator that I am, I'm not sure how long it would be until I actually feel it's finished.

The story unfolds with a young man who holds all potential. But, as most forget, potential leans both ways, towards good and bad. Because of this, my potential is my anthem, the sound of thunder. For although my potential may be as powerful as thunder, there is still question as to whether that thunder should be seen as part of the storm, my opposer, or as equal strength given from a more righteous force. That force, of course, is my stronghold, the Creator. 

Now, this is where things get a little heavy. Yes, there is an approaching storm on the horizon (the challenges of sin). And yes, I will likely withstand it with the strength given from God (the golden earth that grounds me). But the key here is to notice the relationship between the aspects of the photo. No, the storm is not yet surrounding me, but neither is the golden grass. Yes, I have my faith as my weapon (my necklace), but that weapon will only allow me to prevail as long as I can hold onto it (a matter regarding my own strength as a person).

So, with this perspective, this photo can be a classic depiction of man: a soul caught in the war between Good and Evil, his own will power leading to either his salvation or destruction. But, there is still one more catch, which is nearly the main purpose of this photo (so apologies if this has become somewhat lengthy). 

What happens when you fall, when you become too weak to stand, or when a force hits you with all its might? In the real world, you end up on your back against the ground, sometimes with your face in its dust. But no matter where you are or how long you have been there, the earth will always be there to catch your fall. This is the same as God. Yes, we are in the midst of a war, and even after choosing a side we can still be wounded by the opposing party. But no matter how hard we are struck, He will always be there to save those who stand on His side of the line, and even those who fall across it. With that said, the point of this photo is to say, "don't be afraid to take the hits." Don't be frightened when challenges charge in your direction, and don't despair when they become too much. As long as you can see His side of the battlefield, you are never too far away for Him to save you.

God fights for those He loves, and His love is infinite.

An attempt at thinking

So I'm no poet, neither am I a skilled speaker, but every once in a while I like to take a shot at expressing thoughts or feeling through written word. There's all kind of things going on in the lines that follow, so I won't try to organize them. But I'd like to remember some of these thoughts in later years, so I figured I'd post them in this list whenever they arise. Hopefully most of them make sense, mainly the more serious ones, but if not then I guess I'll just keep practicing. Cheers.

"If I knew all the answers to life, I would have won by now."

"It's a tricky one, life is. But the best part of any puzzle is finding the pieces."

"Break me away, oh Lord, for I have not the strength to escape these chains."

"You will never be in complete control of your life, but you will always be in complete control of what you do with it."

"Don't worry, I have enough awesome for both of us."

"Let's play a little game: I'm going to pretend you're right, and you're going to believe it."

"I kind of like being late, it gives me an excuse to drive even faster."

"If man wasn't meant to fly, then God wouldn't have given us rocketfuel." -Nov. 14th, 2011

"I once heard a man say he had women all figured out... I laughed."

"Conundrum: The moment at which she has confused you beyond your own comprehension."

"Love can be like a cruel woman. Meddling with the mind, playing with the heart, she can drive a man insane."

"Recognize your faults and disregard those of others, but never the other way around."

"To become completely callous and be unaware of it, to become a bastard of the heart, that is my worst fear."

"When I stood lost and blind in the night, You reached through darkness and brought me to light."

"High in the air I hold my fists, no longer are there chains upon my wrists. Because of His love, He gave everything for me. Because of His love, I am set free."

"I may not understand, but I will not doubt, for He is beside me. With His hand on my shoulder directing my path, I shall never fear where I am led."

"Whenever I say something that doesn't even make sense to me, I like to imagine a little man sitting at the command center of my mind saying 'Oops! Sorry, hit the wrong button... my bad.'"

"I wonder, but never conclude. That, my friend, would be what I call assumicide."

"Nothing is real until you realize it."

"A hit isn't a hit unless you let it knock you down."

"We are the students of the past, the teachers of the future. We are the generation of today."

"Words are physical thought."

"Intelligence is not knowledge, it is the ability to understand."

"It is the compassionate who understand what it is to be heartbroken. It is the passionate who value the hearts they hold."

"The game of hearts can be both beautiful and despairing, but for a heart not to play is to forfeit all love."

"'Live in the moment,' they say. But what is the moment other than life itself? With that said, all I ask is that you simply live, my friend, truly live." -Dec 4th, 2011

"I wish joy and appreciation to the man who steals your heart, for a beautiful, extraordinary woman you truly are."

"At only one point in time has a man held the weight of our world and prevailed. At only one point in time has a man overcome death to save us all." -Dec 7th, 2011

"To both be everything and give everything for those you care for, that is love at its greatest." -Dec 10th, 2011

"What am I but pieces of a soul? Alone, I have no structure, no truth. But with these pieces, small and shattered, you give me foundation and build me into the man I never could have been." -Dec 15th, 2011

"A path only ends where it was ceased to be built." -Dec 28th, 2011

"How will I ever be as much to You as You are to me?

How will I ever be able to give You what You have given to me?

Will I ever be able to love as much as You do?

Could I ever be enough, even though You are everything to me?

In honesty, I can not. I am simply not, nor could I ever be enough. But what I can do, though it is no equal to what You have done, is give everything, all I am and all I have, to You. And from there, I will continue living my life surrounded in the awe of Your endless love." -Dec 30th, 2011

"Break me apart, oh world of mine. Batter and strike me until I can stand no more. Break me apart, world of mine, and remind me again how much I need my Lord." -Jan 7th, 2012

"Knowing how many would not acknowledge His sacrifice, and even how many would refuse it, He still gave everything to know your heart would be saved." -Jan 16th, 2012

"I look greatly upon those who walk as the least,

those who be small yet able in a world of large.

I admire they who be minute in size,

but of whom great magnitude is held in heart.

I look greatly upon them whom greatness has yet come,

for from them greatness shall proceed.

I stand waiting in promise, ye little giants,

for the day when what thou are is what thou shall be." -Jan 22nd, 2012

"I know everything except what I haven't learned yet." -Feb 1st, 2012

"Hardly anyone can do the right thing the first time. But who says we only get one try?" -Feb 7th, 2012

"You don't need to test the waters if you know you're going swimming." -Feb 10th, 2012

"If I knew what I was doing, I'm pretty certain I would be a lot better at it." -Feb 18th, 2012

"For many years I feared I might lose my grasp on the One who loves me the most,

never realizing that He has been the one holding onto me all along." -Feb 20th, 2012

"To forgive is not to forget but to deem a mistake as what it was: a mistake." -Feb 22nd, 2012

"The rational will say, 'you can only do so much'. The passionate will say, 'I will never give up.'" -Feb 25th, 2012

"To reach across the edge of impossible, to step past the end of forever.

To seek that which will never be seen, to long for what cannot be held.

To dream of what lies beyond bounds, to wonder of the unimaginable always to be.

To search for more than the all that is, to wish for the surpass of what is beauty.

To pursue that which can never be yours, to stand still in ever want of the unreachable.

Tell me now, young dreamer of old, where shall you begin? And how, how will you ever end?" -March 4th, 2012 (thought this up while listening to "Time" by Hans Zimmer, but I doubt it makes any sense, lol)

"And so whatever you will do, do it with truth, with sincerity. For there is near no greater mistake than for a man to live this life and not mean it." -March 10th, 2012

"Because He loves us enough to wear our scars, let us strive to give Him as few as we can." -March 12th, 2012

"True beauty is not something seen, it is something appreciated." -March 14th, 2012

"There's a long list of things I wish I hadn't done. But at the top of that list will always lie the people I could have kept but lost nonetheless through my own mistakes. I know acceptance holds new beginnings for those who find it, and hope that one day I will. But until that day, I can't imagine any worse feeling than that of an honest regret." -March 15th, 2012

"Cursed is the restless mind who finds no resolution, for understanding hath never been so needed." -March 26th, 2012

"It is not the accomplishment which makes a man great but the strength he found in order to achieve it." -March 29th, 2012

"Chances are given to those who dare take them." -April 2nd, 2012

"And I shall leave with a solemn bow, away from what was and towards the better to be, lest I be captive in stonewritten past." -April 5th, 2012

"Let my anthem be the sound of thunder, my opposer a blackened sky.

Let my stronghold be the Creator of earth. We will see who rules the lightning tonight." -April 11th, 2012

"There is neither superiority nor criticism in friendship, for reverence and understanding are the traits of a true companion." -April 17th, 2012

"When it comes to those we truly care for, all we can do is hold tight while we can, keep open arms when we can't, and pray the next arms they find are the ones they need." -April 19th, 2012

"You are worth only as much as you treat others." -April 20th, 2012

"I kow I can't catch your falling skies, but I know I can keep you from standing beneath them alone." -April 19th, 2012

"If you can't say the words which need to be said the most, then don't say them, live them." -April 29th, 2012

"Sometimes the things we want the most are the things we can never have, but dreaming will always be part of the human condition." -May 2nd, 2012

"Save me Lord from the worst parts of myself, from the enemy I will never escape on my own." -May 3rd, 2012

"My joy takes my sanity but offers all I could want. Thus let me pursue insanity, lest I become a madman without her." -May 5th, 2012

"When I'm out and down for the count, I know who will be standing at the edge of my corner. Toe to toe and gloves on, let the bell ring, the sound of my last hurrah." -May 9th, 2012

"I would bend until I break for you, but please don't forget the pieces of what's left." -May 12th, 2012

"Sorry is a word you only say once. After that, you live what you meant by it." -May 15th, 2012

"No man is confined by time, for though the amount had may be limited there is no bound as to how it can be spent." -May 18th, 2012

"Sometimes I turn to the best part of me and ask, "where were you, you bastard? Where were you when I needed you the most, when all I needed was a small part of you?" This is when I realize that person is not real, that the man I've tried to build myself into will never exist outside of my own mind. But this moment of despair is also the moment I realize what I really need, who I have really needed all along. Needless to say, it will never be me." -May 20th, 2012

"We will always change, of that there is no doubt. But when done in pursuit of goals, then we do not change, we become." -May 31st, 2012

"Let the earth fall from beneath my feet, thus the only thing I hold onto be the One who has held me up since the beginning." -June 4th, 2012