I Talk Too Much

In the past few years or so, I've realized things about myself I hadn't noticed before. These aren't just a couple of things; I've actually learned a lot. But there is one specific thing which, I don't know, I kind of feel I should write about... maybe it will help me stop doing it.

I'm pretty good at self-control, whether it be with one emotion or another, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel those emotions. For the most part, I usually look pretty together on the outside. But, as anyone who knows me well can probably tell you, my mind is a completely different beast. It stretches thoughts from every angle, creating new ones and tearing them apart at the same time until there's nothing but mental confetti left over. Now, that may sound a little extreme, but that's the only time my mind runs off like that, when something very important and/or confusing is on my mind.

So what are the side affects? Well for starters (and this is very odd), I tend to get cold. I don't mean "cold" as in "unfriendly", I mean as in "literally cold." I've found myself shaking in chills before while upset, as if I'm out in near-zero degree weather or something. I usually end up sitting down with my legs tight together and my arms crossed in an embrace-yourself-to-stay-warm kind of fashion. It's weird.

The second thing is that my chest hurts. It feels like I'm going to cave in upon myself, as if I were to breathe out too much my entire upper body would collapse like a paper bag being air vacuumed. In fact, if you try breathing out as much air as possible and then hold it for a moment, that's really similar to the feeling I get. This usually gives me short breaths, which in turn makes me very tired. I'm not sure if this is something many other people experience... it would explain where those "heartache" phrases have come from, although mine feels just as achey as the rest of that area, so it's not just in one spot.

The third thing, and this is actually the reason I'm writing this, is that I start to talk too much. Now, depending on what I'm feeling, I either won't want to talk to anybody or I'm going to want to talk to somebody very badly. When I don't want to talk, it'll be pretty obvious; I'm quiet, short answering, and usually have a thinker's gaze. In the case of wanting to talk, however, I'll only do so with someone who I know genuinely cares about what I might say. I'll hint a little at what's going on, but I'll be discreet. Normally it's hard enough to find the right words to say, then add the pressure of wondering what someone will think of you for saying them and you end up with a bit of a turtle shell effect. It's a bit scary.

So what happens when I need that output but can't seem to conjure up the bravery to find one? The answer: metaphorical and/or obscure Facebook posts and/or tweets. This is where I talk too much. Like I said, I'm not the best when it comes to transforming emotions into words. But give me five minutes to play with the wording of a disguised message to post on a social networking site and I'll usually be near spot on. This is where the paradox sets in though... I write a post disguising what I really want to say, I post it, but then I end up feeling like it's insignificant because of its disguisement. So what do I do? I post another one, normally, hoping the next one will be a bit clearer and that someone will notice and offer help of some sort. And I usually write four or five before deciding which one to actually post... it's kind of a "pick the best" process, but it's still kinda dumb.

I'm writing about this as a negative because it is. If someone understood every one of my posts, one after another, they probably wouldn't be the most enjoyable thing to see. Nobody likes to hear someone else complain all the time, and I don't like being a complainer in the first place. But when I have something on my mind, something boiling in the core of my chest, it hurts too much not to attempt extinguishing it. Worse off, what if someone who I'm actually referring to in the message understands what I'm saying and end up getting hurt for whatever reason? I've probably already done it, and I hate myself for that. Ever since I was little, the worst thing I could ever imagine was hurting another human being, especially someone you love. So knowing that I might do so simply because I couldn't keep my mouth shut makes me feel terrible.

So, as of now, I'm going to try to refrain from posting anything of that nature. Yes, I'll still post disguised thoughts and feelings, but they will never, ever include specific people in my life whom might be hurt if they understood or misunderstood them. And if you've actually read all the way to this part of the post, I would appreciate you calling me out if you ever think I've posted something inappropriately. Gimme that swift, back-of-the-head swat and tell me to do better (and this goes for anything I do wrong; never pacify me).

So there's my big shpeal, my blog post of bleh. Hopefully thinking and writing this out will help me at least a little bit, but I guess we'll see in the future.
I hope everything is well with you! Odds are I haven't kept in touch much this semester. College break is coming though, so hopefully I'll talk to you soon. Thanks, and take care.