I Talk Too Much

In the past few years or so, I've realized things about myself I hadn't noticed before. These aren't just a couple of things; I've actually learned a lot. But there is one specific thing which, I don't know, I kind of feel I should write about... maybe it will help me stop doing it.

I'm pretty good at self-control, whether it be with one emotion or another, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel those emotions. For the most part, I usually look pretty together on the outside. But, as anyone who knows me well can probably tell you, my mind is a completely different beast. It stretches thoughts from every angle, creating new ones and tearing them apart at the same time until there's nothing but mental confetti left over. Now, that may sound a little extreme, but that's the only time my mind runs off like that, when something very important and/or confusing is on my mind.

So what are the side affects? Well for starters (and this is very odd), I tend to get cold. I don't mean "cold" as in "unfriendly", I mean as in "literally cold." I've found myself shaking in chills before while upset, as if I'm out in near-zero degree weather or something. I usually end up sitting down with my legs tight together and my arms crossed in an embrace-yourself-to-stay-warm kind of fashion. It's weird.

The second thing is that my chest hurts. It feels like I'm going to cave in upon myself, as if I were to breathe out too much my entire upper body would collapse like a paper bag being air vacuumed. In fact, if you try breathing out as much air as possible and then hold it for a moment, that's really similar to the feeling I get. This usually gives me short breaths, which in turn makes me very tired. I'm not sure if this is something many other people experience... it would explain where those "heartache" phrases have come from, although mine feels just as achey as the rest of that area, so it's not just in one spot.

The third thing, and this is actually the reason I'm writing this, is that I start to talk too much. Now, depending on what I'm feeling, I either won't want to talk to anybody or I'm going to want to talk to somebody very badly. When I don't want to talk, it'll be pretty obvious; I'm quiet, short answering, and usually have a thinker's gaze. In the case of wanting to talk, however, I'll only do so with someone who I know genuinely cares about what I might say. I'll hint a little at what's going on, but I'll be discreet. Normally it's hard enough to find the right words to say, then add the pressure of wondering what someone will think of you for saying them and you end up with a bit of a turtle shell effect. It's a bit scary.

So what happens when I need that output but can't seem to conjure up the bravery to find one? The answer: metaphorical and/or obscure Facebook posts and/or tweets. This is where I talk too much. Like I said, I'm not the best when it comes to transforming emotions into words. But give me five minutes to play with the wording of a disguised message to post on a social networking site and I'll usually be near spot on. This is where the paradox sets in though... I write a post disguising what I really want to say, I post it, but then I end up feeling like it's insignificant because of its disguisement. So what do I do? I post another one, normally, hoping the next one will be a bit clearer and that someone will notice and offer help of some sort. And I usually write four or five before deciding which one to actually post... it's kind of a "pick the best" process, but it's still kinda dumb.

I'm writing about this as a negative because it is. If someone understood every one of my posts, one after another, they probably wouldn't be the most enjoyable thing to see. Nobody likes to hear someone else complain all the time, and I don't like being a complainer in the first place. But when I have something on my mind, something boiling in the core of my chest, it hurts too much not to attempt extinguishing it. Worse off, what if someone who I'm actually referring to in the message understands what I'm saying and end up getting hurt for whatever reason? I've probably already done it, and I hate myself for that. Ever since I was little, the worst thing I could ever imagine was hurting another human being, especially someone you love. So knowing that I might do so simply because I couldn't keep my mouth shut makes me feel terrible.

So, as of now, I'm going to try to refrain from posting anything of that nature. Yes, I'll still post disguised thoughts and feelings, but they will never, ever include specific people in my life whom might be hurt if they understood or misunderstood them. And if you've actually read all the way to this part of the post, I would appreciate you calling me out if you ever think I've posted something inappropriately. Gimme that swift, back-of-the-head swat and tell me to do better (and this goes for anything I do wrong; never pacify me).

So there's my big shpeal, my blog post of bleh. Hopefully thinking and writing this out will help me at least a little bit, but I guess we'll see in the future.
I hope everything is well with you! Odds are I haven't kept in touch much this semester. College break is coming though, so hopefully I'll talk to you soon. Thanks, and take care.

Meeting Michael

I don't know Michael. He is someone far away, living his life in far different ways than I. I believe I've seen him before though, I've caught short glimpses as the world spins between us. He is difficult to see, but I would like to meet him. He is the kind of person I only know in thought, a ghost that I can feel better than I can find. Sometimes I hear the echos of what he says. Sometimes they are too quiet to notice and I wonder if they are even there. Sometimes I find traces of him in places I've been. I wonder if we were both there for the same reason. Maybe. Maybe not.

He's taller than I am, not by much, but enough. He's older than me, though I couldn't tell you his age. His voice is quieter than mine. I don't think I've ever hear it loud. He isn't quick, but neither is he slow. I'd like to say he's steady, but it's just a bit different than that. He keeps hold of your eyes, like particular people do. He only looks away when to show you something. He is smarter than I am. Not necessarily book smart, rather he is wise, understanding, and enough so that I can't understand it. He makes better choices than I do. He doesn't batter questions in his head like I do; I don't even think he listens to his head, just his heart, perhaps. He is stronger than I am, I can sense it in him. I think he hurts the same though, and sometimes I think even more so. There are lines on his face I don't have; I don't know where lines like that come from. But he is almost always smiling. Not the kind of smile near to laughter, nor as to speak words of equal humor. He smiles slightly, the smile a fond memory brings as it fades through your thoughts. He does laugh though. His eyes squint a bit and his cheeks pull back. He lets out even, soft-pitched breaths and you know he is happy. He does think a lot like I do, though not in the same way. He doesn't think to discover or to inquire, he simply thinks because it's in his nature, sorting through his thoughts as though a man admiring his collection. The look on his face is as if he's remembering all of his life all at once, recognizing and appreciating every bit of it yet not missing a current moment while doing so.

I don't know much about Michael. Most of what I imagine is simply who I think he is, but it is not who I know he is. I don't know what he does or what his life is like. I don't know how he lives or what he lives for. I don't what what he thinks or how he loves. I don't know who he loves. I don't know where he wants to go or where he has been. I don't know what he wants to do or what he wishes he had done. I just don't know him.

Maybe I'll meet him someday, when I finally reach that other side of life he's been living on. Perhaps I won't. But whether I do, or whether I don't, I think I'll always have a small image of him. I think I'll always know him at least a little.

Desperate Heart

Don't want a girl made within my dreams.

And I don't want a girl who can give me everything. 

Don't want a girl who'll hold me close every time this crazy world

Tries its best to make me bleed.

I don't want a girl who can turn the grey skies blue. 

And I don't want a girl whose heart I know is true. 

Don't want a girl who'll give me strength, 'cause I would trade all these things

If I could only have you.

And I'm feeling like a desperate heart, 

Like you're the only girl in this whole world that I could ever want. 

Now I don't know if this is love, if what I feel can be enough.

Maybe I've just fallen a bit too hard.

Cause I don't know if I can give you all your dreams,

And I don't know if I can hold you like you need. 

And I can only hope on stars above that I could give you all my love,

But, darling, only if you let me.

I don't want a girl who acts just like you. 

And I don't want a girl who can make these feelings new. 

'Cause she be the same every way and say the words I love to hear you say, 

But she'll never steal my mind the way you do.

Now I don't want to give you too much for your heart.

And I don't want to say the words if they're too strong.

Don't want to live without you, girl, but if you don't need me in your world 

I'll try my best to pull mine apart. 

And I can feel it in my desperate heart,

This hope that I could be the one to give you all you want.

But if I'm not the man you need, tell me please how I can be.

I'd give anything to hold your heart.

Cause I don't know if I can give all your dreams,

And I don't know if I can hold you like you need, 

But I swear on the stars above I would give you all my love 

If, darling, you would only let me.

Now I didn't know how much a heart could ache,

'Cause I can feel the gears in mine starting to break.

So please, girl, don't believe my lies,

'Cause it's killing to want a girl who is not mine.

The girl I want doesn't need to be fixed. 

She is perfect just the way she is. 

And I want her to know that I would never want her to change who she's become,

'Cause she's the girl who taught me how to fall in love.

So close my eyes so I can't see,

And let darkness fall and drown me in sleep. 

'Cause, though she may not share my dreams, that's the place where I am free

To believe that one day she'll be there with me, in a world...

Where I can give her all of her dreams,

Where I can love her more than she will ever need. 

And I can take the stars above and pull them down to prove my love,

And she will always love me.

This is the music behind these lyrics, although no voice included (my voice ain't so great right now). The lyrics would start around 28 seconds into the music.